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...Then I hear your voice again... (Michigan Wednesday)   
10:26pm 19/07/2006
  I've pretty down lately. I've been feeling like I'm not going to find anything that will keep me stable. I feel like I am going back to where I was when I had nothing. No friends, no real job, no family backing me, and not a person in the world to trust. I've got Erica and Steven. That's it. I know I should be grateful. But no one around here really cares about what I feel with the exception of them. They can say, oh yeah I do.. But when my recent calls has 2 people in it. Something is wrong.. I am so used to having people around. I love them both a ton. But I need an escape from even them sometimes. All I have is Sally (My Guitar) lately. Even then it's tough. I found that I need a break. I need a life again. Starting with a full time job. I need a break from my normal society. There is no means for me to do that right now. I've got my fine to pay and a 100 dollar phone bill. Then I've got to have my money for rent. Plus all my other living expenses... .Like, umm groceries. I can't really ask my parents right now. With my Mom off work for the summer. Things get tight around there. I need another job or to be immediatley placed in the Peace Corps. That would be perfect... One or the other. I also got a lead with a sales company but I'd be traveling a lot. Which means I have to leave the two bits of security in my life that I have. It's so ridiculous. I hate life sometimes. I am tired, depressed, and sadly... I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  
     
1 - ô¿ô | Like Water, Like Breath, Like Rain
 
   
04:03pm 09/06/2006
  Just stop hurting. Just stop looking. Just stop thinking that there is hope. Just stop hoping that there is someone for you out there. Just stop dreaming about sleeping in his arms again. Just stop pretending that it's going to get back where you want it to be. Just stop feeling. Just stop putting yourself out there for everyone. Quit being so forgiving. Quit being so open. Quit being so willing to fall in love. Quit falling towards love, seeing the end, and not stopping it before it breaks you.

I am so sick of hurting. I am sick of not seeing the same security in someone that I had in Jeff. I am sick of crying. I am sick of feeling so bitter. I am sick of feeling like no one has faith in me. I am so tired of loving, and being broken and shaken. I am sick of chasing.... Chasing dreams, chasing love, chasing happiness and wishing for a reality that I can't live in.

Just so you know... When everything for you is gone... I'm still going to be the one standing here. I am sick of not loving. I am tired of not being able to give myself up to someone completely. Someone that I know is going to be here for me, and someone that I want too.

I want to work this out. I don't know how. I want to see you all the time. I want to spend every waking moment in your arms. It's been a week and I feel this strongly. But apparently, I am not giving enough to keep a relationship with such amazing potential alive. I need to be with you sometimes. I felt amazing laying with you. I felt happy when we'd laugh. That laughter should have been the one thing to make this survive.

Goodbye..
 
     
4 - ô¿ô | Like Water, Like Breath, Like Rain
 
All You Wanted Was Somebody Who Cares....I am standing right here...   
04:53pm 08/06/2006
  We reflect on miscommunications and misunderstandings.

Events in my life are apparently only allowed to push me into making a huge decision. Like Single or not? Puppy or not? Breaking news to people or not? Giving myself up again or not? Taking the chance to be broken, but possibly ending up really happy or not?

The insecurities that follow the breakup with Jeff and I kill me still. Just because I am not going to just trust people anymore. I'm giving myself up as we speak. I am ready to be something again. I am ready to feel something, even if it's heartache. I need to know where this is going.

I want to be with you. You make me feel so different. But I feel like if I give myself up than I am going to be broken to early. I'd lose it if I was. I need to feel like your going to stick around. Where are you going? You scare me sometimes with talk about not knowing what you want. When in fact what you need is everything I am more than willing to give. I need you.
 
     
Like Water, Like Breath, Like Rain
 
   
02:11am 25/05/2006
  The night before, life goes on.....

I'm pissed at myself right now. I write some stuff in text messages to certain people who've royally pissed me off for the past month.... and it's stuff I would rather not ever tell them... like..

"I still care about you".
 
     
1 - ô¿ô | Like Water, Like Breath, Like Rain
 
I am not the sharpest tool in the shed sometimes...   
03:32am 24/05/2006
 
mood: hang over...
I am so freaking stupid. Bottom line... I'm retarded..
 
     
Like Water, Like Breath, Like Rain